SCHWING!

Knife? Sword? Ax? Hatchet? Tomahawk? Which way do you swing?

Each of these little beauties has it's own purpose or multi-purpose. A quick breakdown of each:

Knives--Good for close quarters situations such as hand-to-hand with that dick neighbor down the street (come on, it's the zombie apocalypse and he's ALWAYS talked shit about how much nicer his lawn is), as well as quietly dropping those flesh eating bastards that made taking your neighbor out possible (remember to thank them before you kill them).

Swords--the finest art in the world of blades. Whether it be a Samurai Katana (respectful bow), Scottish Claymore (FREEEEEDOM!!!!), the Greek Xiphos (THIS...IS...THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!), the Chinese Broad Sword (Confucius say cut those zombie fucks up), or the multitude of other long bladed zombie cutting pieces of sexiness out there, swords are important.

Axes--Who hasn't seen some crazy bad ass viking movie with 6 foot tall giant dudes swinging a sick ass looking battle ax? Smash! I win (in Viking language).

Next we come to hatchets--Smaller, single headed only versions of an ax. Two weapons/tools in one with the accompanying hammer head opposite the blade!

Finally--the Tomahawk (insert Homer Simpson drooling noise here). Throwing ax anyone? Why HELL YES, SIR! A well balanced tomahawk is an amazing tool in the ever expanding arsenal of the prepared zombie apocalypse survivor. A more useful weapon against enemies still using cognitive skills because it is a one and done if thrown, which means you'd have a chance to pull it out, versus a zombie which seems to almost never be alone, and a little too small/short range to use in a multiple zombie or horde situation. Now for the special details of each group.

Knives--"Never bring a knife to a gun fight." Unless they're a bad shot

They also work for cutting up meat as well as other foods; provided you remember to sterilize properly. No dumb-ass don't break out the pocket hand sanitizer. Bleach or ammonia is your best friend. Might be a little funky to taste if ya don't rinse it off but better than turning into another flesh eater because of cross contamination (a little shout out to my friends in food service). Proper sized blades also have another purpose or two few people ever think about. First is the more obvious-Intimidation. My girlfriend and I were standing in line at Wal-Mart one day after I got out of work, and I was looking through a magazine while she was putting the cart stuff onto the check out belt. She looks up at me and laughs, saying "When did we switch rolls? Most people would laugh at a guy reading tabloids while his girlfriend unloads the cart." I laughed at her joke, the guy behind us laughed, and then I turned enough to say, I won't make an issue, but here's why I can get away with it. I followed my laugh with telling my girlfriend "People tend not to fuck with the guy carrying an 8 inch K-Bar on his leg." The guy behind us took a few steps back. Second and more importantly, you have the potential for clean amputation. A large blade like a sword is great for the quick and dirty cut, but you need something smaller to clean up after the initial cut, and that's where your smaller knives come in. You also have throwing knives, similar to the tomahawks mentioned earlier, they are a one and done if you throw, but that's why the "s" is there in knives. Never throw your last one, but most sets you can buy have a minimum of six. Quiet, easily concealed, and if necessary, as well as properly taught, an effective weapon at up to 20 feet. I wouldn't personally press my luck past that, but the farthest confirmed kill throw was during WWII at an exceptionally impressive 87 feet. (Best of luck matching that.)

Pros-Concealable, light weight, quiet, multiple carried with little issue

Cons-Small, short range when thrown, close quarters when kept in hand, "Never bring a knife to a gun fight"

Swords

Swords are definitely important. As shown by the ever popular show The Walking Dead. Great in a pinch where you're out of ammo, good medium distance handheld weapons, and helping skinny black chicks kick ratings ass for the last three years. Approximately 3 to 3.5 feet in length in average, the sword is a great close quarters weapon; when used properly. Incorrect use can lead to injuring or killing people in your band, or possible accidental self amputation if you're not paying attention. The same could be said of knives, but the level of stupidity needs to be a lot higher with a smaller blade. A sword gives you far better distance when working against enemies living or dead. A three foot swing is way better than a six to ten inch stab.

Pros-More thrusting/stabbing distance than a knife, far more leverage behind your swing than with a knife, intimidation factor, as with knives, goes up the bigger the blade gets.

Cons-Much harder to conceal than knives, poorly constructed swords tend to break easily, accidental self amputation can happen rather easily.

Axes

Standard sizes are approximately three to five feet in length. Weights range from two eight pounds. Well known ax swingers include Johnny Appleseed and George Washington (I wonder if they saw it coming too and wanted to keep well practiced?) Good for chopping bodies and heads (living or not) in half, as well as cutting firewood for the winter. Zombie apocalypse or not, you'll never catch me wintering in Florida, just too damn cliche. There are two common types of axes--the battle ax, a two headed, body destroying weapon of mass zombie destruction. The other option is the standard work ax--not a recommendation, but again, this blog is about practicality not comfort, and if work ax is in grabbing distance, work ax is in handling distance. Mass produced, single headed ax that normally comes with a shitty fiberglass handle that breaks if you hit something with too much force, or too many times, so if you need to get one, the old college adage comes in - wrap it before you tap it. A minimum of two layers of heavy duty duct tape for stability, and just to be safe, throw a layer or two of electrical tape on there for grip. Always keep an eye on, funny enough, the eye, which is where the ax head and handle meet, that's generally where your breaks will occur, especially if you follow the taping instructions.

Pros-Best weight to size ratio for leverage in the bladed weapons category, two heads, two kills, most battle axes have beards-extended bottom edge usually used to grab and pull toward the handler

Cons-Handles tend to break under pressure, often a two handed weapon, not good for people of smaller statures, catching the wrong person with the beard of an ax can get you pulled toward them

Hatchets

A hammer? A small ax? Both together? Throw it on your belt so you can get to chopping! I've done a few roofs in my life, usually with a standard claw hammer and some chisels; but good lord did working with a hatchet make life easy. They're a bit awkward if you're not used to them, but in an apocalypse situation, with a comfort versus practicality situation, if comfort is your focus, I'll see you on the other side. Also, stop reading because Darwin says you're not allowed to live.

Pros-Two weapons in one, concealable, small enough to pull out in an emergency, can be used for building defenses as hammer

Cons-Small (that's what she said), thin steal tends to crack easily, double as a hammer will shorten life span for use

Tomahawks

A well balanced tomahawk is an amazing tool in the ever expanding arsenal of the prepared zombie apocalypse survivor. A more useful weapon against enemies still using cognitive skills because it is a one and done if thrown, which means you'd have a chance to pull it out, versus a zombie which seems to almost never be alone, and a little too small/short range to use in a multiple zombie or horde situation. Made famous by Native Americans, especially during the post Civil War times when the American Government attempted to wipe out a people who just refused to be wiped out. Hats off to you guys by the way, definitely wouldn't mind a few Native Americans in my merry band of survivors. More recently seen being handled by Mel Gibson in The Patriot (shut up, good movie, good actor). Most people think of scalping when they think tomahawk. Me? I think amazing weapon designed for close quarters combat as well as multi-purpose tool just like a hatchet or ax.

Pros-Well balanced, sharp, an actual tomahawk crafted by Native Americans are exceptionally reliable, great for throwing

Cons-Small like hatchets, weight is an issue when leverage is needed, like a knife, effective distance to be trusted is about twenty feet

Overall in the grand scheme of life and the zombie apocalypse, any blade is a good blade, but if advice is asked then the advice given is this--just like a gun, match the blade to your size. If you're 5 foot nothing don't go running out with a three foot battle ax, the damn thing will weigh more than you. If you're 6 foot 4, don't grab a pocket knife if you don't have to, it's gonna be too small in your hands. And my final thought--if you're looking for comfort, you're fucked. Remember boys and girls, no matter your situation, if you have a blade you always have something to poke shit with ;). Have a nice apocalypse!

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